The Least Likely Day...

Some times crazy things, UNBELIEVABLE things happen.  Things that are so crazy that it seems it couldn't be true.  Like people having psychic experiences or coincidences that seem to good to be true.  The following story comes into this category of story.  I am having trouble believing it myself!  I promise it is all pure truth!

The story starts with the end of another story.  I had just been to visit my friend who lives a couple of hours away for a day of cheese, shopping and awesome chilling out. The day was over and I was on my way home.  I was getting tired, so being the responsible adult I am, I decided to have a break.  At a McDonalds.  I took my time and stuffed my face.  Feeling much revived, I went back to my car to continue the journey.  It was getting dark and the moon was looking amazing on the horizon so I decided to take a picture.  I was getting out my phone when a guy appeared out of the shadows.  

I very nearly crapped myself.  Before I had a chance to escape the man was talking to me.

Man  'Hi, are you going to Brisbane by any chance?  :

Me: Ummm. Yeah I am. (thinking: PLEASE DON'T RAPE ME!!!!)

Man: I was wondering if I could ask you a huge favour. I have a flat and have no spare, can we use yours and give it back at Brisbane?

I must admit I have an issue saying no to people in need, so I said, sure.   The man just happened to have a Ford Festiva just a couple of years older than mine, with four studs, just like mine.   So we are in my boot, it's dark, trying to get my tyre out.  I tried to make excuses like it could be flat. No cigar.  Are you sure your car is a four bolt? Yes. Damnit.  Then, a stroke of good luck.   We don't have anything that fits the bolt, his tools are obviously rubbish and it's so dark I can't even find mine. Nothing is working, and the bolt won't come out.  Thank the lord!

So they guys girlfriend (who is dressed in a dressing gown) comes over to help.  She strips off the dressing gown and is wearing, what I can only assume, are denim nickers and some kind of skimpy tank top.  Did I mention she had a shaved head but still had a fringe and a dozen VISIBLE piercings.

It gets better.  I am starting to get worried that this is some kind of set up.  We eventually find my tools and something that fits the bolt, but still, it doesn't budge.  We can't get the tyre out, so the boyfriend goes to get help. The girl friend yells out to him to get some big strong guy to help, but with more 'fucks' in that sentence.  You will never believe who he brings back.  

 A midget. 

A fucking midget. 

So then there is this guy, a near naked Tank Girl look-a-like, a midget and me trying to get this tyre out.  This has to be a set up.  You could not make this shit up.

So in the end it turns out, we were screwing it the wrong way.  Who knew some bolts are screwed to the right and not the left? I thought I was going to get out of this increasingly bazaar situation.  At this point I am wondering that if they don't stop to give me back my tyre later it may not be the worst thing in the world, who knows how much more crazy this thing could get?  So we finally get the tyre out and take it over to the mans car.  It doesn't even fucking fit.

We put it back in my car, I don't even bother screwing the fucking thing in and I drive into the sunset.... AS FAST AS I CAN.

The end.

Believe it or not, this is a true story.


If you don't know what Tank Girl is check out this pic: http://chod.deviantart.com/art/Tank-Girl-Baseball-Bat-11892605 .  It is a perfect representation of the girl I saw today. You can see why I was worried...

The Birds

For some reason in Australia one of the most ever hated birds is the crow.  Growing up as a child I watched my family curse these jet black creatures and all the while I just couldn't summon up that kind of blind hatred for any living thing.  For a while I would caw out the back of our house, just to let them know they weren't really hated... just misunderstood.

Move forward a few years to when I lived with my dad on a small (very small) property out of town.  It was much easier to find hate for those birds when they would sit outside your window cawing as soon as the sun looked to be coming up.  As a teenager I loathed them because they robbed me of my most important thing. Sleep.  Before I even moved in with my dad and step-mum they had already taught Cody the poodle to chase those damn crows.  He was effective at scattering them, but they always came back.  

One day we were in the yard having a BBQ with some friends, probably whingeing about the crows, when we spot a couple behaving rather oddly down the back of the paddock.  One was flying overhead and the other was hopping along the ground, kind of like the bird version of a kangaroo.  It looked ridiculous.  That was, until we noticed what it was hopping at.  It was actively chasing a western brown snake out of our yard. It was really hard to stop Cody from trying to murder the crows. Pun intended.

Jump forward another few years to this morning.  On the way to work I always see crows, they seem to love hanging around my route to work.  I usually give them a mental salute.  Today was no exception.  A couple of crows were cawing out of a mango tree. 'Hey there crows', I would think.  I walked around the corner of the street and startled a crow eating something unidentifiable out of an old Chinese food container. To be honest, it kind of scared me too, he was kind of creepy... weird.  Then I hear it.  So many voices cawing out.  Oh, god. I see it...

At least thirty crows going nuts.  I suddenly feel like it is a scene from The Birds and do what any normal person would do. Film it.  Turns out there is a lady walking down the road supplementing their diet with old bread.  Thank christ. I thought they were there for my soul...