To All The Asshole Gamers...

It may come as a surprise to some of you that some online CoD players are assholes.  Try not to be too surprised, I know it is quite a shock.  If they are not too busy trying to make you want to kill yourself (and not just in the game) then they seem to have a morbid fascination with putting inanimate objects into certain women's orifices.  It doesn't sound like teenage boys/adolecent boys at all!  As much as I don't really care what people say about me it is kind of hard to play strategically when you have to put up with people being so ungentlemanly.  For those of you lucky enough not to know what I am raving and ranting about, see my collated data below.

As you can see, being a female in the online gamers world can be fraught with hazards.  That is why I have provided four hypothetical comebacks you can use should the need arise.  These are some I have used and I find them quite disparging to the over enthusiastic 'gentleman'.


#1.  Get back in the kitchen!
This is on of my favourites.  I love this one.  I think they forget they are talking to a woman, the world's champion multi-tasker.  I once made a stirfry while playing CoD and managed to keep positive ratios.  Making the bread and butter pudding whilst playing was extra tricky because it resulted in butter ending up all over the controller...

Puh-lease, making sandwhiches are for noobs. Come back to me when you have made a fucking croque en bouche...

# 2.  You are hot, want to have sex?
If they have not determined you are fat and ugly it is most likely they will want to copulate with you.  This is an amusing prospect as most of these players cannot spell vagina, let alone know what to do with one. I find the best approach is to then sound androgenous and switch between pretending to be male and actually being female.  I find this calls their sexuality into question enough for them to decide it isn't worth the risk...

# 3 . You are big and fat and your vagina smells like fish.
I find the best response is a golden oldie... 'That's not what your mum said last night.'

# 4.You are gay!
I find this one quite entertaining.  Not only does one sexuality have nothing to do with how well you play video games, it doesn't make the fact that I kicked your ass any less humilating.  You could also use #3 response but change it slightly... 'That's exactly what your mum said last night. Then we had sex.'


So this has been helpfull advice from your local gaming Hambo. I am interested, what kind of insults have you come across? (male and female) How did you deal with them? Need some advice? Just ask Ham!

All Night CoD Extravaganza!!

One of the unfortunate things about being a nurse is the need to do night duty.  Fortunately, one of the perks of having to forcibly readjust your sleeping pattern is that it allows you to do otherwise antisocial and useless activities. Enter CoD.  Generally in my house it is a competition between myself and boyfriend for CoD time which is juggled in between crucial tv programs such as Rush and Neighbours (That's right, judgers!!!).  But not tonight.  Tonight I am preparing my body for night duty.

Since I would have to be awake tomorrow night during the hours when I would normally be drooling on my pillow the logical thing is to stay up. Until the sun comes up.  But because I am getting old and grumpy this is proving harder than I imagined.  I started playing at about... 10pm?

0117 Update: So far I have managed to convince two random strangers and a friend (Verminkilla- he wanted a mention) not to go to bed and to stay up all night playing CoD with me. One has to be up in 3hrs. There has been a massive amount of swearing.  Most of the things said do not actually make sense. I have no idea what is going on... My ratio has been in the positives pretty much all night. AKA I am awesome.  I may be getting slightly sleeping but so far so good.

0203 Update: I am almost blind, I have a stage one pressure ulcer in my left ear and yet some how I am awesome. Verminkilla- has said at least 30 times that he is going to bed. He is obviously still playing.  I AM INVINCIBLE. Lowest ratio of the last 5 games is 1.11. 

0305 Update: We are all delirious. We lost one but Vermin and FairyGobMother are STILL playing. We are singing and probably dancing. We got kicked from the original lobby and now I am starting to go downhill. Also, Vermin was playing the Cantina song from Star Wars. I loved it.

0415 Update: Sweet Jesus. I think I am going to die.  Vermins alarm to get up for work just went off. We convinced him to play another game but he won't stay home from work.  I may have eaten one too many left over cupcakes and now my mouth feels like sand. I am resisting the urge to go to bed.

0436 Update: I am done. My eyes feel like I have run out of tears, my brain hurts and I feel a little disorientated... I said goodbye to my last friend on and now it is all turned off. What a huge fucking night.  Oh dear god. What the hell is that noise??? Is it birds...

0454 Update: So now I have showered, I am brushing my teeth and going to bed. I am going to try and get to sleep before it gets too light and John gets up. GOOD EFFING NIGHT ^.^