To All The Asshole Gamers...

It may come as a surprise to some of you that some online CoD players are assholes.  Try not to be too surprised, I know it is quite a shock.  If they are not too busy trying to make you want to kill yourself (and not just in the game) then they seem to have a morbid fascination with putting inanimate objects into certain women's orifices.  It doesn't sound like teenage boys/adolecent boys at all!  As much as I don't really care what people say about me it is kind of hard to play strategically when you have to put up with people being so ungentlemanly.  For those of you lucky enough not to know what I am raving and ranting about, see my collated data below.

As you can see, being a female in the online gamers world can be fraught with hazards.  That is why I have provided four hypothetical comebacks you can use should the need arise.  These are some I have used and I find them quite disparging to the over enthusiastic 'gentleman'.


#1.  Get back in the kitchen!
This is on of my favourites.  I love this one.  I think they forget they are talking to a woman, the world's champion multi-tasker.  I once made a stirfry while playing CoD and managed to keep positive ratios.  Making the bread and butter pudding whilst playing was extra tricky because it resulted in butter ending up all over the controller...

Puh-lease, making sandwhiches are for noobs. Come back to me when you have made a fucking croque en bouche...

# 2.  You are hot, want to have sex?
If they have not determined you are fat and ugly it is most likely they will want to copulate with you.  This is an amusing prospect as most of these players cannot spell vagina, let alone know what to do with one. I find the best approach is to then sound androgenous and switch between pretending to be male and actually being female.  I find this calls their sexuality into question enough for them to decide it isn't worth the risk...

# 3 . You are big and fat and your vagina smells like fish.
I find the best response is a golden oldie... 'That's not what your mum said last night.'

# 4.You are gay!
I find this one quite entertaining.  Not only does one sexuality have nothing to do with how well you play video games, it doesn't make the fact that I kicked your ass any less humilating.  You could also use #3 response but change it slightly... 'That's exactly what your mum said last night. Then we had sex.'


So this has been helpfull advice from your local gaming Hambo. I am interested, what kind of insults have you come across? (male and female) How did you deal with them? Need some advice? Just ask Ham!